The Continuing Adventures of Adam Updike

Bound together forever by the bondships of having been housemates I think we can all appreciate the agony one of us goes through when forced into a new and troubling situation. This is a brief glimpse into the life I share with my new roommate, Adam Updike. What follows is a recap of the events from the past week here in LaVille. A note to those Yellow House members; none of us were ever this retarded.

• Saturday May 13 - Adam begins his bender, which is continuing as I write this. He comes home drunk to the point of not remembering any of this. And for future reference, when I say he was drunk in the following bullets it will always be referring to this degree of drunkeness. Anyways, he makes a mess of the living room and kitchen. He also spills beer on my credit card statement, payment check, and one of my DVDs.
  
• Sunday May 14 - I ask him to clean up in case I have to bring my parents and grandmother back after the graduation ceremony. He doesn't, because he goes out to drink and harass women at bars again. This will be a continuing theme. It's also important to mention he does this by himself; goes out and hits on girls, that is. At no point does he go out with even one other individual.
• Monday May 15 - Adam goes out drinking by himself.
  
• Tuesday May 16 - Adam goes out drinking by himself.
  
• Wednesday May 17, 3:30 am - I arrive home after closing Brats to find the apartment a good 15 to 20 degrees hotter than it should be. Updike has passed out, again, on the couch. Before doing so he set some water to boil in a rather sizeable pot to make macarroni and cheese. The water has comepletely evaporated and the pot is starting to burn over high heat. I yell at him while removing the pot, turning off the stove, and opening windows. He is oblivious to it all. A good slap to the face brings him around. He doesn't recall this the next day. I ask him, again, to clean the place because he's retarded. He doesn't. This is how fires get started. When his place burns down while living alone one day we'll know why.
• Thursday May 18 - Can't say for sure what happens, but it's assumed Adam goes out drinking by himself, again, and harasses women at bars, again, as confirmed by a mutual friend that saw him.
• Friday May 19 - I go to Milwaukee to see a concert. It's assumed Adam goes out drinking by himself, again, and harasses women at bars, again.
• Saturday May 20 - It's assumed Adam goes out drinking by himself, again, and harasses women at bars, again.
• Sunday May 21 3:30 am - I arrive home to find a ridiculously drunk and ass-naked Adam sitting on the couch by himself. And I mean ass-naked. A girl, of no particular physcial beauty, unless you're into the big ones, stumbles out of the bathroom. She, however, is fully clothed. I go to my room. Eventually I emerge to get something to drink - about half an hour later. Adam is gone along with the girl. I examine the apartment and find the following items; his phone under the couch, his wallet under the coffee table, the coffee table's glass top shattered, two condom wrappers, and a used condom sitting on the floor near the love seat.
• Sunday May 21 9:30 am - Adam's alarm goes off in his room. It's loud enough to wake me up. After about 5 minutes I go in there and turn it off. He misses work because he sucks at life.
  
• Sunday May 21 6:30 pm - I arrive home after having worked at Brats to find Alex, the other/good roommate, sitting on the couch. Adam is in the shower. I sit on a stool. Alex looks at me and asks what happened, in reference to the coffee table. It's assumed I broke it. I tell him I don't know, Adam did it last night. Adam emerges from the shower. Alex and I decide an intervention is needed. Adam blatently denies breaking the table, blaming it on others I know are completely innocent of the crime. We confront him about the used condom, which is still on the floor, and his excessive drinking (something a bi-polar person on medication shouldn't do so much of).

Take heart, fellow Yellow House alumn. Whatever situation you may find yourself in with regards to roommates, know it could be much, much worse.

To be continued...