The Continuing Adventures of Adam Updike

Bound together forever by the bondships of having been housemates I think we can all appreciate the agony one of us goes through when forced into a new and troubling situation. This is a brief glimpse into the life I share with my new roommate, Adam Updike. What follows is a recap of the events from the past week here in LaVille. A note to those Yellow House members; none of us were ever this retarded.

• Saturday May 13 - Adam begins his bender, which is continuing as I write this. He comes home drunk to the point of not remembering any of this. And for future reference, when I say he was drunk in the following bullets it will always be referring to this degree of drunkeness. Anyways, he makes a mess of the living room and kitchen. He also spills beer on my credit card statement, payment check, and one of my DVDs.
  
• Sunday May 14 - I ask him to clean up in case I have to bring my parents and grandmother back after the graduation ceremony. He doesn't, because he goes out to drink and harass women at bars again. This will be a continuing theme. It's also important to mention he does this by himself; goes out and hits on girls, that is. At no point does he go out with even one other individual.
• Monday May 15 - Adam goes out drinking by himself.
  
• Tuesday May 16 - Adam goes out drinking by himself.
  
• Wednesday May 17, 3:30 am - I arrive home after closing Brats to find the apartment a good 15 to 20 degrees hotter than it should be. Updike has passed out, again, on the couch. Before doing so he set some water to boil in a rather sizeable pot to make macarroni and cheese. The water has comepletely evaporated and the pot is starting to burn over high heat. I yell at him while removing the pot, turning off the stove, and opening windows. He is oblivious to it all. A good slap to the face brings him around. He doesn't recall this the next day. I ask him, again, to clean the place because he's retarded. He doesn't. This is how fires get started. When his place burns down while living alone one day we'll know why.
• Thursday May 18 - Can't say for sure what happens, but it's assumed Adam goes out drinking by himself, again, and harasses women at bars, again, as confirmed by a mutual friend that saw him.
• Friday May 19 - I go to Milwaukee to see a concert. It's assumed Adam goes out drinking by himself, again, and harasses women at bars, again.
• Saturday May 20 - It's assumed Adam goes out drinking by himself, again, and harasses women at bars, again.
• Sunday May 21 3:30 am - I arrive home to find a ridiculously drunk and ass-naked Adam sitting on the couch by himself. And I mean ass-naked. A girl, of no particular physcial beauty, unless you're into the big ones, stumbles out of the bathroom. She, however, is fully clothed. I go to my room. Eventually I emerge to get something to drink - about half an hour later. Adam is gone along with the girl. I examine the apartment and find the following items; his phone under the couch, his wallet under the coffee table, the coffee table's glass top shattered, two condom wrappers, and a used condom sitting on the floor near the love seat.
• Sunday May 21 9:30 am - Adam's alarm goes off in his room. It's loud enough to wake me up. After about 5 minutes I go in there and turn it off. He misses work because he sucks at life.
  
• Sunday May 21 6:30 pm - I arrive home after having worked at Brats to find Alex, the other/good roommate, sitting on the couch. Adam is in the shower. I sit on a stool. Alex looks at me and asks what happened, in reference to the coffee table. It's assumed I broke it. I tell him I don't know, Adam did it last night. Adam emerges from the shower. Alex and I decide an intervention is needed. Adam blatently denies breaking the table, blaming it on others I know are completely innocent of the crime. We confront him about the used condom, which is still on the floor, and his excessive drinking (something a bi-polar person on medication shouldn't do so much of).

Take heart, fellow Yellow House alumn. Whatever situation you may find yourself in with regards to roommates, know it could be much, much worse.

To be continued...

Mark's Funny

• Jeremy came back to Madison this past weekend and I had the chance to catch up with him on some stuff. He regailed me with stories about his experience living with Mark. The funniest of his stories involved the night before his first day of work.

Jeremy - "Well, I guess I better go to bed; gotta get up early for work tomorrow."
Mark - "Yep. For the next 45 years."

• Good stuff.
  

Phil and DJ: The Odd Couple

• Phil has returned from Colorado because "he wasn't a good fit" at his job out there. While I'm sure this devistated poor Phil, the rest of us were kind of happy in a guilty Phil-loving sort of way.
• Since DJ has an extra room in his apartment Phil has moved in with him.
• News coming from the Phil/DJ front is sparse, but a story leaked into DJ's away message today. It states;
• my favorite interaction from living with Phil.
  I come home to Phil laying on the couch and watching a movie.
  Me: "How's it going Phil?"
  Phil: "I haven't done anything all day."
  Me: "You put in a movie."
  Phil: in a disappointed tone, "This is on TV."
• Nice.
  

Jeremy's First Story

• Newest Yellow House member by association, Jeremy Schellin, has just taken a trip to California for his new job at General Mills. Why would Jeremy go to Cali? Well for NASCAR, of course. As a member of the marketing department Jeremy is on the team in charge of NASCAR promotions for General Mills. We wish what is sure to be an exciting new relationship between Ricky and Jeremy the best of luck.
  

An update for Mark's Benefit

• J has been missing work at State St. Brats more than usualy, pawning his shifts off on Topp. Nobody at Brats really cares. This info provided from an inside source.
• DJ and myself will dine at Rocky's Pizza tonight. DJ wanted to go at 5:45, but I suggested quarter to six.
• Mark is considering franchising a Rocky's in Minnesota. He commented on the venture by saying "I'd make a mil."
• Jeremy Schellin, of Columbus fame, will soon be joining Yellow House member Mark J. Rahne in residence. We wish this new merger the best of luck and welcome Jeremy as an extended member of the Yellow House family.
  

Wisconsin v. Minnesota Hockey Weekend

• Mark and AJ returned to town yesterday for the hockey game. Mark got skinny. AJ remained so.
• 75% of the Yellow House harrassed 12.5% of it while it was working at Brats. The other 12.5% was probably off somewhere getting wasted with its law buddies (read: sitting at home reading a book in bed).
  

The Return of the Diaries

The weekend of the 13-14 of January in the year of our lord, 2006, proved to be an interesting one.

• DJ, Strei, and myself adjourned to Ben's birthplace to visit our dearly departed friend Mark. He didn't die, but he doesn't live in Madison anymore so it's just the same.
• We took my car; a hulking 1990 Oldsmobile Regency Brougham. Make fun if you like, because if you have to you clearly have no reason left to live.
• Dropped Strei off in St. Paul so she could visit her sister. DJ and I eventually found our way to Mark's, ahem, apartment.
• The desire to eat, drink, and watch hockey lead us to Senser's Sports Bar & Grill. I was impressed with the amount of screens on which to watch the game. That is if those dick-fors had put the Badger game on. I understand that in MN a hockey game with South Dakota, Mankato, St. Cloud State, and U of M may take precedence, but with 45 flippin' televisions there's no reason to miss the Badgers in favor of a local news channel (which you couldn't hear anyways) and something on Cartoon Network. Logic eventually prevailed, a first for our neighboring state, and the game was put on.
• That evening alcohol consumption and general merriment occurred at Mark's.
• The next day was mall day. We went to dine at some sports place and watch the men's basketball game. However upon arrival at the Mall of America we found that the establishment we had hoped to visit had closed. Instead we ate at some place that proclaimed it was a sports bar and grill but only had a handful of TVs and no satellite. We ended up getting score updates via the ticker at the bottom of the Duke game and eating delicious (read: terrible) food off of paper plates and plasticware. Mmmm...
• Afterwards we met the Streis at Ikea. The visit was a first for DJ and I. Initial impressions were positive but were quickly replaced with realization that Ikea is, for lack of a better word, god awful.
• The evening's activities involved a trip to campus to visit a former D.C. Everest classmate and drink like the Gophers do. As it turns out Gophers drink as well as 8 year old girls without mouths. Oh, and never EVER order a brandy old fashion there. Apparently the way they make a brandy old fashion over in lake country is with tequila, bitters, and a sugar packet.
• Hungover and dehydrated the next day the drive home was surprisingly good.
• Bravo, Minnesota, you have disappointed me more than I ever could have hoped for.